Mania, Love, and a Little More About Me.

Very very interesting. Please take the time to watch this if you can! I have felt the overlap and consequences of both and loved to hear someone talk about/present it in such a way.

Excellent information.

This may explain why it is very difficult for me to maintain/stay in relationships. Before my current relationship of 5 years I always fell in and out of love quickly. I honestly feel bad for some of my boyfriends because I am sure they never really understood why. It would make sense that at the time I first met them I was in some sort of a manic phase and then as everything died down it just “wasn’t the same,” and I didn’t feel in love anymore. I always remember thinking that same thing many times, and feeling blank and empty in the end. It is not that I wouldn’t care about them anymore, I just felt that I was incapable of loving them in the same way as when I first met them. Which to me felt like I just plain wasn’t in love anymore. I has to be easy to believe you are in love in a manic state, and maybe you are, but it is a different kind of love. Possibly warped in some ways because you are not your normal healthy self. So when the mania disappears you feel a loss, and question the relationship you have developed.

I always jump into relationships and am an all or nothing kind of girl. Before I was aware of my disorder I just thought this was how things were meant to be. However, now I question whether it is simply part of my mania and if there are particular triggers that make me more susceptible to these sort of things. I met a boyfriend on the highway for goodness sake! Not that it wasn’t fun and I don’t regret it (because he ended up being a very good person). Just, why would I put myself in such a potentially dangerous situation. It is because at times when I am manic and loving life I am more likely to act wild, and be risk taking/excitement seeking. Not that we all don’t love these times when you feel amazing, on top of the world, confident, unstoppable etc… But…BUT…it usually almost always comes with consequences in the end.

Nothing is usually ever that good without being somewhat bad.

I am not saying at all whatsoever that because you meet someone in a manic episode you don’t love them. I personally feel I can love more fiercely than many when I am in a relationship. It cycles though, or has cycled, because I was not properly managing my symptoms. I believe that is why some of my relationships did not last. I can’t blame the ending on all of them, that would be just silly, but I can see the pattern.

What is so very difficult though, is the fact that I am a different person during these phases in my life. When I am normal, manic, or depressed I display different traits and that can be very frustrating for whomever I am in a relationship with. I have been told before after being with someone for a while that I am not the person they fell in love with. The wild, carefree, crazy, fun person.

It takes a very special person to fully understand that who I was then was a part of me, but not the normal healthy me.

It takes an even more special person to be able to deal with and help me manage my disease.

I pray for all of you who suffer with mental disorders that you find this person who can love you for your many faces. Who can help you through the tough times, and be the compassionate, understanding, loving, and gentle person that you need.


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