Gave up on the struggle here because honestly, besides a few friends, I had nothing left here to keep struggling for. I was working three jobs, working out when I could, and trying to maintain relationships with friends (who turned out to not really be my friends anyways). So I officially said f* it I am going home.
This past weekend my daddy and my niece (she was a big help lol) came to help me move most of my things. I have to sell or give away the rest. I am so blessed to have such a supportive and caring family. He would have came that night if I had really need him that badly. How many people can say that their family loves them that much? That they would drop everything immediately to be there for you.
My sister also was a huge factor in my decision to come home. I had no idea how much my troubles were affecting my family as well. She told me she was tired of seeing me struggle and being so unhappy. Until then I hadn’t ever heard her really talk to me like that. It reminded me that I was loved unconditionally, and sometimes family is the best place to find it.
Dealing with the depression of relationships lost, and failing to maintain a sufficient lifestyle here is hard. However, I am going to make the most of it. I am going to go back home, get some skills, find a good job and move on. Who knows what lies ahead of me!
Thank you to all of you for your support and I hope if anything I can inspire and reach at least one of you.
Honestly I have had to take my clonazepam the past couple of nights to sleep well. I am so hesitant to take them now because some unkind man I know (no names) basically tried to tell me I was going down the road of a pill popping alcoholic. <– I most certainly am not but oh well it still hurts/bothers me. But I gave in after being unable to sleep really for over a week. I was so tired I actually got sick and ended up sleeping for 14 hours the day before yesterday, and 8+ hours yesterday. I feel much better, but I have a lingering cold.
I shouldn’t be ashamed to take my medicine. No one should. It is the cruelty of other people who do not bother to really understand the affects of mental illness. I swear, whenever I tell someone I am slightly bipolar and have anxiety and depression issues they view/treat me different. It almost always gets used against me in a relationship. Which isn’t fair at all. I wouldn’t hold it against a diabetic, or a cancer patient that they needed to do certain things to survive and live day to day Why do people judge me. STUPID STIGMA!!!! ❤ lol Ok enough of my rant.
It is leg day tonight. Will post my workout later.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself for who you are.
p.s. The picture is because I got my first blender bottle today! So I can mix my shakes by hand since I will probably not be going to a gym that offers to blend my shakes for me (I have been spoiled!!!). It is a milestone!
So I would like to start this post off by saying…I fell asleep at 8pm, woke up at 10:30pm… … … and thought I had gotten a full nights sleep. UGH!! I hate my body/internal clock!! This is why I am on this posting craze :-p
So today I woke up early (I still have not stopped my alarm from going off at 5am……..) and decided to go to the gym! I was a little unhappy because I tried to do a RPM class (les mills spinning) and spent like 5 minutes on the bike before I realized that it was not going to work. It was hitting the irritated area of my sciatic nerve right on, so yeah I jumped off that bike real quick and ran out! I at least got to tell Mel (instructor) that I was probably going to do that and not to get offended. I would have felt so bad otherwise.
– p.s. if you are ever at the Vent Fitness in Clifton Park, there is a duo named Pam and Mel who are so much fun to take classes with together, and separately. They are really sweet and kind in person as well!
Back to what I was talking about! So I ended up warming up on the elliptical, stretching, then doing the stair climber (machines were making funny noises so I had to jump off and find something else again!- yeah I was frustrated), then I ran a mile. I promptly showered and went to work.
I also met with the trainer I am going to be working with starting in November. His name is David Byrd, and I just love his energy (he talks about energy a lot too). He highlighted my main issue…which is as I have said many times… —> FOOD bah!
I am going to go shopping tomorrow and try doing what he suggested. Prepping for a whole week on the day when I have time. It is very difficult for me to ensure I eat healthy because I am so busy, but I am going to just have to make some life changes and preparations to make sure I do. My #1 goal right now is to lose weight, then we can start working on my body.
Baby steps ❤
Just figured I needed to get serious about my health again, specially if I want to keep doing this blog :-p
RIP Robin Williams ❤ So sad to hear about another person succumbing to mental illness. May he finally find the peace and relief he could not find in life. It was so strange, I was literally just watching Jumanji and Hook this past week. For some reason this his home more than other celebrity deaths have.
Just shows us that even many celebrities struggle with different forms of mental illnesses as well. Even the rich and famous cannot escape the inner workings of genetics and environment.
My heart goes out to his family.
I am truly saddened by his loss. Always surprises me when I grieve for the loss of someone I have never met or spoken to. But he touched all of us in some way. Made us laugh, cry, and entertained us. Seemed to be such a good genuine soul.