HELP

Check this out ❤ More to come. I will be starting to be more active again starting today! Love you, and hope everyone has been doing well!!!

This is basically a PowerPoint calling for action.

There are millions of people suffering around the world with Mental Illnesses who are posting on social media sites just waiting for people like you and me to notice them. To love them. To give them hope. Please take the time to go through the slides ❤

Mental Health

(click me lol ^^)

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Let’s Go!

So I am finally almost home.

Gave up on the struggle here because honestly, besides a few friends, I had nothing left here to keep struggling for. I was working three jobs, working out when I could, and trying to maintain relationships with friends (who turned out to not really be my friends anyways). So I officially said f* it I am going home.

This past weekend my daddy and my niece (she was a big help lol) came to help me move most of my things. I have to sell or give away the rest. I am so blessed to have such a supportive and caring family. He would have came that night if I had really need him that badly. How many people can say that their family loves them that much? That they would drop everything immediately to be there for you.

My sister also was a huge factor in my decision to come home. I had no idea how much my troubles were affecting my family as well. She told me she was tired of seeing me struggle and being so unhappy. Until then I hadn’t ever heard her really talk to me like that. It reminded me that I was loved unconditionally, and sometimes family is the best place to find it.

Dealing with the depression of relationships lost, and failing to maintain a sufficient lifestyle here is hard. However, I am going to make the most of it. I am going to go back home, get some skills, find a good job and move on. Who knows what lies ahead of me!

Thank you to all of you for your support and I hope if anything I can inspire and reach at least one of you.

Honestly I have had to take my clonazepam the past couple of nights to sleep well. I am so hesitant to take them now because some unkind man I know (no names) basically tried to tell me I was going down the road of a pill popping alcoholic. <– I most certainly am not but oh well it still hurts/bothers me. But I gave in after being unable to sleep really for over a week. I was so tired I actually got sick and ended up sleeping for 14 hours the day before yesterday, and 8+ hours yesterday. I feel much better, but I have a lingering cold.

I shouldn’t be ashamed to take my medicine. No one should. It is the cruelty of other people who do not bother to really understand the affects of mental illness. I swear, whenever I tell someone I am slightly bipolar and have anxiety and depression issues they view/treat me different. It almost always gets used against me in a relationship. Which isn’t fair at all. I wouldn’t hold it against a diabetic, or a cancer patient that they  needed to do certain things to survive and live day to day Why do people judge me. STUPID STIGMA!!!! ❤ lol Ok enough of my rant.

It is leg day tonight. Will post my workout later.

Stay strong

Don’t be afraid to love yourself for who you are.

p.s. The picture is because I got my first blender bottle today! So I can mix my shakes by hand since I will probably not be going to a gym that offers to blend my shakes for me (I have been spoiled!!!). It is a milestone!

My Workout 1-13-15

I know I haven’t had a lot of time to workout, and that is going to change. Going home will hopefully give me stability and the time to really focus on my health. I did manage to get a good workout in today. So here it is:

Leg Day!

  • 15 minute elliptical warm up
  • stretching session
  • talk with Darren one of our personal trainers, encouraging, and positive
  • warmed up with 3 sets of walking lunges forwards and backwards (12 forwards 12 backwards)
    • followed immediately by hands to feet stability ball passes (x20)
  • 8 sets of Kettle bell swings 12 KG for 30 seconds
    • followed immediately by 30 seconds of side to side medicine ball crunches
  • 3 sets of TRX strap lunges 12 on each side
    • followed immediately by 8lb medicine ball crunches (pushing ball to ceiling with legs elevated as well)
    • 1 minute of rest between
  • felt like puking so had to take a break
  • 5 sets of Bosu ball squats (x15)
    • followed immediately by v-crunches (x20)
  • glute/leg kickback machine
    • 70lbs (x12 each leg)
    • 80lbs (x12)
    • 90lbs (x12)
    • 100lbs (x6)
  • Squats in the squat rack with 45lb bar narrow stance, wide stance, and Plié squats
    • +20lbs (x12, x12, x12)
    • +40lbs (x5, x5, x5)
    • +50lbs (x2, x2, x2)
    • +60lbs (x2, x2, none)
  • Hip Abduction Machine
    • 10 outside pulses at 150lbs (x5)
    • 160lbs (x3)
    • 5 outside pulses at 170lbs (x4)
  • Smith Machine Calves toes out approx. 30 deg., toes straight, toes inwards approx. 30 deg.
    • 20lbs (x12, x12, x12)
    • 40lbs (x12, x12, x12)
    • 60lbs (x8, x8, x8)

No more! I was donneeeeeee. Now I’m super tired and need a nap!

Monday Motivation

I ran across this blog talking about the benefits of fitness on mental health: Monday Motivation. Check it out! So get started now! Sometimes it is the only thing that keeps me sane and going.

Oblivion

i can’t help the tumultuous feelings raging in my head. What have I done with my life other than made a huge mess of it? I trust people without them having earned that trust, and therefore I am made vulnerable and am easily hurt.

Having one of those days where nothing is going right and it had made it all even worse.

It is too cold outside for me to try to fix my headlight and wipers myself. I don’t want to sit outside in negative degree weather and try to figure out something I’ve never done before. Bad idea on my part. I just wanted to be independent and try. I need to get my car inspected though and it won’t pass without those things fixed. I left to go get started on taking care of these things and just kept forgetting one thing after another. Finally at the third trip back to the apartment I just broke down, and here I am, in bed.

I cried today, because i am confused. I don’t understand things. If people won’t talk to me, how are we ever going to resolve anything. Am I that bad of a person that one little thing goes wrong people just turn away from me? What kind of cold human beings am I associating myself with. I thought you were my friend, I thought you cared. I thought we understood one another, and we’re going to figure out how to make it work. I guess not. I guess I was horribly wrong. You seem to be content to leave me in the dark.

I am sensitive to tone and pitch, as I am sure a lot of you are. The way people speak to me is critical to how I will feel. If you raise your voice, snap at me, or just generally say anything impolite it resonates in my would. I am way too empathetic as well.

I need attention, or at least just a simple kiss, hug, hold my hand, cuddle with me. Let me know you are aware that I exist and I am something special to you. I need love. I need you to want to care for me in these ways. You would never know by the way I act, but I am terribly in need of reassurance. I have been beaten down psychologically in my past, and I have such a hard time doing it on my own.

I know when I am depressed, and I can definitely say that this recent bout has thrown me into a mini darkness. But I will come out, I will fight, and the baby steps I take to fix and organize my life will be my greatest reward in the end.

but right now, I just want to pass out into oblivion.

No dreams

nothing

Reticent

Reticent
Sleep defies me.
Regret hangs loose in the air.
Grasping for anything in the darkness
Clinging to hope.
Battling my demons.
Thoughts swirling in my mind.
The visions I see in my dreams.
They aren’t real.
They can’t be real.

Sometimes you feel lost and alone.
You know that isn’t the case.
All the people in the world surrounding you could not banish it.

❤️

For those who dream of better things, hope for a brighter future, and dread the unknown that the days bring.

The past six months I have been dealing with the fallout from a relationship that shoulve ended years ago. That is why I have been so inactive. Plus he holidays etc. I hope you are are safe and happy and enjoyed your holidays.

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I have been keeping up with my workouts beginning again this week. Between th stress and the holidays and working 60 hours a week it has been hard. But it feels so good to be getting back at it again.

i just have to ask for prayers and support. I am locked into a lease I desperately need to get rid of. I have a place waiting for me that is going to charge me $400 flat, and it is a gorgeous home. I currently cannot afford the place I am in right now and I am far behind on everything. Please pray, or send positive vibes my way that someone will take this apartment away from me. I am even offering some of my furniture.

Love You all.

Here are some photos of what I have bee up to lately ❤️💋

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Everything All at ONCE!

I am a busy girl, and between working out and my 3 jobs right now I get a little tired. Therefore mass posting occurs!

First on my agenda is my gym friend’s competition! She worked so hard, and really stuck to her meal plans, so of course she looked amazing! You can follow her progress etc. at: Instagram: ashl3ycrews

Here are some photos from her show:

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I have met some really great and friendly people at my jobs, and have had a strange resurgent in my social life. Don’t get me wrong, I totally love it! I am just tiirreedddd lol I am slowly starting to realize I am not as young as I used to be :-p I neeeed my sleep! Specially with everything I am doing! However, how can I say no to the opportunity to do myself up and go out! My favorite thing to do! As well as be with fun and sweet people!

First on my list is my night out with the other Ashley! (too many Ashleys lol) She is also working towards a competition of her own and runs her own Instagram page: ashleyclyne ! We went out in toga a couple of times recently (she just turned 21 recently so of course I love taking her out and being her DD!). Here are some photos of our shenanigans and some photos of her herself so you can see what she is all about!

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Alsooo my idea to make a Halloween costume totally fell through when the sewing machine ended up being broken! I had a backup plan though so I went to see Hunter Hayes instead! It  was such an amazing concert and fun! He is so talented, and a complete cutie. He played many different guitars, the piano, and the drums during the concert. Had a really really fun time!

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My life is still hard right now. I am making some extremely difficult decisions that I am not too happy about. Some of which make me vulnerable, and I hate feeling unsure and insecure. I will push through this though and be stronger than ever in the end, like always. I am just glad I have so much to do to keep me busy, helps me to keep going. Plus I am meeting some great people who have really brightened my days as well <3. I haven’t had any major depression or anxiety problems since last year! So hooray for that! 🙂

Keep shining

You may just be the light that someone needed

I know I did

That I do

I always will.

My First 5k! Run Dead at Saratoga Springs State Park

I did it! I ran my first 5k! When I say ran, I actually successfully ran the whole way! I am so proud of myself 🙂 I didn’t think I could do it honestly! I haven’t run a full 3.5 miles in like ummm 2 or more years I think. So when I went today I thought I would just do my best, and I did!

Although let me tell you… Ummm I might have gone a little off course.

Yes! Embarrassingly enough I managed to somehow run past a turn, and proceed to run up this very large, steep hill that I almost died trying to climb… Only to realize that there was no one else around me anymore! I therefore had to turn around, and run down through the woods to find the rest of the runners. I emerged from the forest to find people I had passed a ways back looking at me like what the heck!!! Bahaha :-p Yup I am one of those people blessed with the ability to do something wrong/get lost no matter what! I was laughing at myself the whole way home.

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So instead of 3.5 miles I am pretty sure I ran at least 4 miles, and I am going to be taking 5 or so minutes off my time! LOL Oh geez…. Really!!!????

So I am feeing accomplished. Happy. Satisfied.

That endorphin rush was well worth it!

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Sore in Unimaginable Places

First time doing gravity at my gym yesterday in a while, and I am PAYING for it this morning! It hurts, but it is a good pain! It means I accomplished something, I pushed myself hard enough to get results. I just wish I had never stopped a few months ago, cause I lost so much. I will get back there though, and be stronger and better!

In the gravity class at my gym yesterday I used the TRX straps to do a general overall body workout targeting many different areas. If you haven’t ever seen or used TRX equipment here is the website:

https://www.trxtraining.com/?gclid=CJ3YorLSxcECFZSDaQodKysAjg

Every time I do these classes I almost always spend the next couple of days  feeling the after effects. I love working my hamstrings on the TRX straps the most. I always have trouble really isolating the muscles on the gym’s machines. However, using the straps, I always end slapping the floor with fatigue. Yes, when I get to my limit I have to close my eyes, grunt, breathe, and puusshhhhhh (and look like a little crazy- but good crazy…I think…lol). I kind of want the straps for Christmas (especially the pink set!).

https://www.trxtraining.com/products/trx-home-pink?gclid=CNSyoLHUxcECFbFDMgod0hcA-Q

Bah time to do some cleaning, then hit up the gym for another workout! Plan is to do more core and lower back work, and also hit up one of my favorite classes that I just have so much fun in (posted about earlier) Body Jam with Mel!

NAMI Recognition Dinner

So I was lucky enough to have off last Friday night so I could make it to the first NAMI Rensselaer County Recognition Dinner and Art Show. It is always great to meet with people who accept you and understand you, and to see them get rewarded/recognized for all the great work they have put into the organization. Specifically touching was Gail Moore who spoke about her life and childhood, and who was recognized for her many years of dedication to helping people with mental illnesses. I also got to meet the Dean of Public Health at the college I attended: SUNY Albany. He was sitting at my table! What a small world! If you want to help support your local NAMI group, get involved, or reach out you can find them at the following website:

http://www.nami.org/

It is such a great organization filled with compassionate and skilled people waiting to reach out and do whatever they can to help you get through the tough times. I hope that I can make the time to get involved, sometime in the next few years.

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They also featured art from some of the members which you can see below:

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