So I have moved back home and for the most part I am settled in.
(besides the fact that my trunk is still packed full of things… <– out of sight out of mind right! lol)
The move back home has been hard. It is hard going from being fully independent (for the most part) to fully relying on your parents again for everything. I mean EVERYTHING. I still don’t have a full time job so they are paying for all my bills, including my rent for my apartment in NY. My lease technically ends in July (long story…). I found myself crying in bed for no reason and being tired. Oh so tired. My friend was you “you are depressed…” I was wow I hadn’t noticed :-p. I knew it was going to happen, I knew it would be hard. I am doing better though.
I found the world’s tiniest job basically just being a middle school girl’s companion from 6:30am to 7:30am in the morning after her mother leaves. So while we are seriously taking some major baby steps in getting to where we want to be, I will take what I can get!
Also you are looking at a brand new Beachbody Coach!! My friend believed in me enough to spend her OWN money on the package to get me started! So I CANNOT thank her enough, and I can’t wait to help make a difference in people’s lives! This is also going to be a huge help in getting me up and out of bed each morning. I need a purpose in life, and lately I have felt pretty much useless and blah. Now I have something to do, and goals to work towards and that makes a world of a difference.
I already woke up this morning with the biggest smile on my face!! ❤
i can’t help the tumultuous feelings raging in my head. What have I done with my life other than made a huge mess of it? I trust people without them having earned that trust, and therefore I am made vulnerable and am easily hurt.
Having one of those days where nothing is going right and it had made it all even worse.
It is too cold outside for me to try to fix my headlight and wipers myself. I don’t want to sit outside in negative degree weather and try to figure out something I’ve never done before. Bad idea on my part. I just wanted to be independent and try. I need to get my car inspected though and it won’t pass without those things fixed. I left to go get started on taking care of these things and just kept forgetting one thing after another. Finally at the third trip back to the apartment I just broke down, and here I am, in bed.
I cried today, because i am confused. I don’t understand things. If people won’t talk to me, how are we ever going to resolve anything. Am I that bad of a person that one little thing goes wrong people just turn away from me? What kind of cold human beings am I associating myself with. I thought you were my friend, I thought you cared. I thought we understood one another, and we’re going to figure out how to make it work. I guess not. I guess I was horribly wrong. You seem to be content to leave me in the dark.
I am sensitive to tone and pitch, as I am sure a lot of you are. The way people speak to me is critical to how I will feel. If you raise your voice, snap at me, or just generally say anything impolite it resonates in my would. I am way too empathetic as well.
I need attention, or at least just a simple kiss, hug, hold my hand, cuddle with me. Let me know you are aware that I exist and I am something special to you. I need love. I need you to want to care for me in these ways. You would never know by the way I act, but I am terribly in need of reassurance. I have been beaten down psychologically in my past, and I have such a hard time doing it on my own.
I know when I am depressed, and I can definitely say that this recent bout has thrown me into a mini darkness. But I will come out, I will fight, and the baby steps I take to fix and organize my life will be my greatest reward in the end.
but right now, I just want to pass out into oblivion.