Because I went through it, still go through it, and there is a huge stigma around mental illnesses. 1/4-1/5 people suffer from a form of mental illness in their life time (that is a huge number). Many of them do so silently because they are afraid of being judged or misunderstood- and for good reason. I even suffer from that time to time. I’m pretty open about it, but I’ve had people treat me differently after I opened up to them. I just don’t want people to suffer in silence. I want them to be heard, to get the help they need, and feel secure in seeking that help. How many people die/commit suicide because they didn’t feel like they had anywhere to go or people to talk to? How many people do not seek the help they need because they feel like it makes them look weak or “different?” It shouldn’t be that way. It should be treated like any other illness, something that occurs and is manageable. There is no reason why people with mental illnesses shouldn’t live normal lives, or at least as normal as possible. I want to make lives better, educate people to understanding, and love. Just love everyone I can <3. haha
Is that too much?? :-p
Because that is how I really feel baha
I mean we all have problems. I feel like having gone through those things just makes me a better person and more able to connect and understand. Empathy overload :-p But I have always been like that, why I allow myself to get hurt, and over think EVERYTHING. ❤
Why else live this life if you can’t make a difference in the world?
Nothing else will live on except for the imprints you make in the lives of the people around you.
I FINALLY got a good nights sleep without the aid of medication.
I hate having to take my meds to sleep. But alas sometimes my brain will just not shut off and I either stay up all night, or I wake up multiple times during the night. So I do what I have to do in order to make sure I am well rested. 🙂
I am also going to finish completely cleaning my room today. Anyone else just feel sooo much better when their room is clean? It is almost like a weight taken off my shoulders. Just sucks that I am so talented at messing it up again lol 😦 I just have so many things from my entire apartment that I had to shove into my old room. Let’s just say it is a tight squeeze and I am struggling to make it organized/neat.
Well today I just want to say carpe diem!!! Seize the day!!!!
I plan to:
catch up on all things Beachbody today
Apply to jobs
finish my 3 day refresh with a bang!!!!
spend family time with my sister and her family (maybe I can take my niece to the playground and get a little “workout” action in haha)
What are you planning for your day! Get up, get going and kill it! You got this!
Check this out ❤ More to come. I will be starting to be more active again starting today! Love you, and hope everyone has been doing well!!!
This is basically a PowerPoint calling for action.
There are millions of people suffering around the world with Mental Illnesses who are posting on social media sites just waiting for people like you and me to notice them. To love them. To give them hope. Please take the time to go through the slides ❤
Gave up on the struggle here because honestly, besides a few friends, I had nothing left here to keep struggling for. I was working three jobs, working out when I could, and trying to maintain relationships with friends (who turned out to not really be my friends anyways). So I officially said f* it I am going home.
This past weekend my daddy and my niece (she was a big help lol) came to help me move most of my things. I have to sell or give away the rest. I am so blessed to have such a supportive and caring family. He would have came that night if I had really need him that badly. How many people can say that their family loves them that much? That they would drop everything immediately to be there for you.
My sister also was a huge factor in my decision to come home. I had no idea how much my troubles were affecting my family as well. She told me she was tired of seeing me struggle and being so unhappy. Until then I hadn’t ever heard her really talk to me like that. It reminded me that I was loved unconditionally, and sometimes family is the best place to find it.
Dealing with the depression of relationships lost, and failing to maintain a sufficient lifestyle here is hard. However, I am going to make the most of it. I am going to go back home, get some skills, find a good job and move on. Who knows what lies ahead of me!
Thank you to all of you for your support and I hope if anything I can inspire and reach at least one of you.
Honestly I have had to take my clonazepam the past couple of nights to sleep well. I am so hesitant to take them now because some unkind man I know (no names) basically tried to tell me I was going down the road of a pill popping alcoholic. <– I most certainly am not but oh well it still hurts/bothers me. But I gave in after being unable to sleep really for over a week. I was so tired I actually got sick and ended up sleeping for 14 hours the day before yesterday, and 8+ hours yesterday. I feel much better, but I have a lingering cold.
I shouldn’t be ashamed to take my medicine. No one should. It is the cruelty of other people who do not bother to really understand the affects of mental illness. I swear, whenever I tell someone I am slightly bipolar and have anxiety and depression issues they view/treat me different. It almost always gets used against me in a relationship. Which isn’t fair at all. I wouldn’t hold it against a diabetic, or a cancer patient that they needed to do certain things to survive and live day to day Why do people judge me. STUPID STIGMA!!!! ❤ lol Ok enough of my rant.
It is leg day tonight. Will post my workout later.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself for who you are.
p.s. The picture is because I got my first blender bottle today! So I can mix my shakes by hand since I will probably not be going to a gym that offers to blend my shakes for me (I have been spoiled!!!). It is a milestone!
i can’t help the tumultuous feelings raging in my head. What have I done with my life other than made a huge mess of it? I trust people without them having earned that trust, and therefore I am made vulnerable and am easily hurt.
Having one of those days where nothing is going right and it had made it all even worse.
It is too cold outside for me to try to fix my headlight and wipers myself. I don’t want to sit outside in negative degree weather and try to figure out something I’ve never done before. Bad idea on my part. I just wanted to be independent and try. I need to get my car inspected though and it won’t pass without those things fixed. I left to go get started on taking care of these things and just kept forgetting one thing after another. Finally at the third trip back to the apartment I just broke down, and here I am, in bed.
I cried today, because i am confused. I don’t understand things. If people won’t talk to me, how are we ever going to resolve anything. Am I that bad of a person that one little thing goes wrong people just turn away from me? What kind of cold human beings am I associating myself with. I thought you were my friend, I thought you cared. I thought we understood one another, and we’re going to figure out how to make it work. I guess not. I guess I was horribly wrong. You seem to be content to leave me in the dark.
I am sensitive to tone and pitch, as I am sure a lot of you are. The way people speak to me is critical to how I will feel. If you raise your voice, snap at me, or just generally say anything impolite it resonates in my would. I am way too empathetic as well.
I need attention, or at least just a simple kiss, hug, hold my hand, cuddle with me. Let me know you are aware that I exist and I am something special to you. I need love. I need you to want to care for me in these ways. You would never know by the way I act, but I am terribly in need of reassurance. I have been beaten down psychologically in my past, and I have such a hard time doing it on my own.
I know when I am depressed, and I can definitely say that this recent bout has thrown me into a mini darkness. But I will come out, I will fight, and the baby steps I take to fix and organize my life will be my greatest reward in the end.
but right now, I just want to pass out into oblivion.
So I finally got around to looking into what to do with my student loans. My problem is that I have accrued debt (not a crazy amount compared to others, but enough to hurt) over the years through student loans for semesters where I haven’t finished/dropped out do to mental health issues. I was looking into how to possible get this fixed and I found the TPD student loan forgiveness.
My only problem with claiming this is the wording in which they state the qualifications. I have been having these issues for over 60 months, but I am still functional most of the time. I have always been able to hold a job and get by in life. I can put on a good face for the world, but when I am alone sometimes I fall apart. Which is why I work so much now, I am better busy and working all the time, than sitting at home brooding (not to mention I need the mulahhh). So I don’t know if I qualify but hey, it doesn’t hurt to try and look into these things. Also when you do this you cannot get any more student loans. You can only receive aid/financial support, but once you claim this disability you have to find other ways to pay.
Back to School
I am also on the phone with my University as I am typing this out. I am seeing what I need to do to get back into the game, and take classes again (part time of course). I am going to take it slow from now on, and just gauge how I react. It would be the first time I would be fully taking my meds, only taking one to two classes, and just being extremely careful as to not fall back into what has happened before.
Finally I am starting to attempt to eat healthy again and I literally spent all my extra money this week on buying healthy food. Which hurts, but hey its all for a good purpose. I really really need to start this third job though, since the Juice Bar has significantly cut my hours. I am barely getting by at the moment. But hey it will be ok 🙂 (I think!!!)
Got my brown rice, and sweet potatoes all done (picture below)!
Apologize for any mistakes, I do not feel up to rereading all of this and correcting anything!
Beware: Unedited and probably full of errors- if you are a proponent of proper English, and errors send you into crazed madness do not read!
You probably know what I mean when I say I feel like my entire world is crashing at my feet. I haven’t been posting much, and I do apologize, I have just been extremely busy. Because of the debt I am in, and my future goals, I have been working 50+ hours a week. I have not had much time for the gym which I am really upset about (I probably have lost a lot of muscle mass, and set myself back significantly). Let me go through what is happening right now in my life.
I have been promoted to manager at the Saratoga Juice Bar. It is a small accomplishment, but something to be happy for. I am just glad I get to put it on my resume now! I really love working there. I enjoy the nutritional aspect, and the people I work with are very amiable. It truly is a blessing to be able to work for this establishment. Check them out at: http://saratogajuicebar.com/ if you want to take a peek!
I got a job at my Vent Fitness!!! (Clifton Park). It is only part time, but this is really what I want to start doing more and I figured what better way to start off my quest in mental and fitness health than working at the gym I really love.
I have a lot of bills, but I am finally able to pay them all myself. I am also able to spend a little money on myself as well on the side now, which I don’t even know how to explain how good that feels (girls know what I mean, shopping therapy really worksss).
My relationship of 5 years is possibly at an end. I cannot and will not point fingers at him or myself saying it is either of our faults. There were many issues, we tried out best, and in the end I don’t know if we can get past them. Either way, it is life shattering. I only remember feeling like this once before, and I hate it. I have been having to take more of my anxiety pills because I just keep thinking about it over and over and it is completely stressing me out. That heavy feeling in my chest won’t go away. I don’t know if I should respect his request for space or if he really wants me to reach out and fight for him. Either way, I always feel so confused also because I feel like my illness always gets in the way in my relationships. I feel that most likely it has affected 50% or more, and I hate it. Looking back now I can see the patterns, and I had some really wonderful kind people, but I would get into this strange period where I was just done. I was cold, unfeeling, emotionless, for almost no reason. That is not what happened here, but there was another factor. Basically I am sad, tired, lonely, and utterly unhappy. (If you know me and you are reading this, please don’t feel the need to do anything, I am not writing this as a call for help from you or for any pity. It is just for those out there who are struggling too.)
My bills are really high. I need to figure out if there is any federal exemptions for people with mental illnesses. I have to start paying back some of my loans next month because I failed last semester (had another episode). So I really need to do some research, and if any of you know anything about things like this please share!
I am having a lot of trouble sleeping. I don’t want to take my anxiety medicine to sleep, but have consistently been unable to sleep through the night. This just adds to my fatigue, and when I am not working usually you can find me in my bed. I am currently struggling to get up and finish cleaning like I want to.
Having trouble eating, not hungry. I actually could consider this good, because maybe I’ll finally lose some weight, but no. Its either I am not hungry, or I am binge eating on bad things. I need to get this under control, but I am pretty sure I am battling a slight case of depression right now, so oh wells. Nothing new lol :-p
Don’t worry I am still fighting, and I see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I believe God has a plan for me, that I am on this earth for a purpose, and I will get there one day.