i can’t help the tumultuous feelings raging in my head. What have I done with my life other than made a huge mess of it? I trust people without them having earned that trust, and therefore I am made vulnerable and am easily hurt.
Having one of those days where nothing is going right and it had made it all even worse.
It is too cold outside for me to try to fix my headlight and wipers myself. I don’t want to sit outside in negative degree weather and try to figure out something I’ve never done before. Bad idea on my part. I just wanted to be independent and try. I need to get my car inspected though and it won’t pass without those things fixed. I left to go get started on taking care of these things and just kept forgetting one thing after another. Finally at the third trip back to the apartment I just broke down, and here I am, in bed.
I cried today, because i am confused. I don’t understand things. If people won’t talk to me, how are we ever going to resolve anything. Am I that bad of a person that one little thing goes wrong people just turn away from me? What kind of cold human beings am I associating myself with. I thought you were my friend, I thought you cared. I thought we understood one another, and we’re going to figure out how to make it work. I guess not. I guess I was horribly wrong. You seem to be content to leave me in the dark.
I am sensitive to tone and pitch, as I am sure a lot of you are. The way people speak to me is critical to how I will feel. If you raise your voice, snap at me, or just generally say anything impolite it resonates in my would. I am way too empathetic as well.
I need attention, or at least just a simple kiss, hug, hold my hand, cuddle with me. Let me know you are aware that I exist and I am something special to you. I need love. I need you to want to care for me in these ways. You would never know by the way I act, but I am terribly in need of reassurance. I have been beaten down psychologically in my past, and I have such a hard time doing it on my own.
I know when I am depressed, and I can definitely say that this recent bout has thrown me into a mini darkness. But I will come out, I will fight, and the baby steps I take to fix and organize my life will be my greatest reward in the end.
but right now, I just want to pass out into oblivion.
Sleep defies me.
Regret hangs loose in the air.
Grasping for anything in the darkness
Clinging to hope.
Battling my demons.
Thoughts swirling in my mind.
The visions I see in my dreams.
They aren’t real.
They can’t be real.
Sometimes you feel lost and alone.
You know that isn’t the case.
All the people in the world surrounding you could not banish it.
For those who dream of better things, hope for a brighter future, and dread the unknown that the days bring.
The past six months I have been dealing with the fallout from a relationship that shoulve ended years ago. That is why I have been so inactive. Plus he holidays etc. I hope you are are safe and happy and enjoyed your holidays.
I have been keeping up with my workouts beginning again this week. Between th stress and the holidays and working 60 hours a week it has been hard. But it feels so good to be getting back at it again.
i just have to ask for prayers and support. I am locked into a lease I desperately need to get rid of. I have a place waiting for me that is going to charge me $400 flat, and it is a gorgeous home. I currently cannot afford the place I am in right now and I am far behind on everything. Please pray, or send positive vibes my way that someone will take this apartment away from me. I am even offering some of my furniture.
Love You all.
Here are some photos of what I have bee up to lately ❤️💋
Just a little fun at my gym the other day! Got a little pink put in my hair and a glitter tattoo! So cute! Also in an update of my mental and physical health I have been really bad lately. I keep forgetting to take my medicine (will be correcting that SOON), and because I was too busy working I had not been working out for the past couple of months and therefore my sciatica is back. UGH!!!
For those of you who do not know sciatica is the irritation of the sciatic nerve which is a symptom of an underlying condition. I have seen my doctor and mine is not spine related (thank God) but it is still annoying/painful. It is also a huge reason why I should continue to keep up with my physical health. Keeping my back and ab muscles in shape kept this away for a while, but since I have lost most of that strength now it is back! My symptoms are shooting pain, numbness and a tingling sensation from my hip to my foot, and dull achy pain in my lower back. It gets worse the more I don’t relax and tend to it. Let’s just say I have been hauling ass back to my gym and getting in some low impact ab and back workouts to try and rectify this situation. I seriously can’t wait to get back to my full workouts. I miss them so much.
Seeing that I have been seriously over working myself I am only going to be working two jobs from now on and focusing on my mental and physical health. Also I need to fix everything and get my life in order (#1 move is to FINALLY get my room clean…omg been an ongoing project for weeks!).