Reticent

Reticent
Sleep defies me.
Regret hangs loose in the air.
Grasping for anything in the darkness
Clinging to hope.
Battling my demons.
Thoughts swirling in my mind.
The visions I see in my dreams.
They aren’t real.
They can’t be real.

Sometimes you feel lost and alone.
You know that isn’t the case.
All the people in the world surrounding you could not banish it.

❤️

For those who dream of better things, hope for a brighter future, and dread the unknown that the days bring.

The past six months I have been dealing with the fallout from a relationship that shoulve ended years ago. That is why I have been so inactive. Plus he holidays etc. I hope you are are safe and happy and enjoyed your holidays.

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I have been keeping up with my workouts beginning again this week. Between th stress and the holidays and working 60 hours a week it has been hard. But it feels so good to be getting back at it again.

i just have to ask for prayers and support. I am locked into a lease I desperately need to get rid of. I have a place waiting for me that is going to charge me $400 flat, and it is a gorgeous home. I currently cannot afford the place I am in right now and I am far behind on everything. Please pray, or send positive vibes my way that someone will take this apartment away from me. I am even offering some of my furniture.

Love You all.

Here are some photos of what I have bee up to lately ❤️💋

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Why Hello There, My World: Good and Bad

 

Apologize for any mistakes, I do not feel up to rereading all of this and correcting anything!

Beware: Unedited and probably full of errors- if you are a proponent of proper English, and errors send you into crazed madness do not read!

You probably know what I mean when I say I feel like my entire world is crashing at my feet. I haven’t been posting much, and I do apologize, I have just been extremely busy. Because of the debt I am in, and my future goals, I have been working 50+ hours a week. I have not had much time for the gym :/ which I am really upset about (I probably have lost a lot of muscle mass, and set myself back significantly). Let me go through what is happening right now in my life.

The Good

  • I have been promoted to manager at the Saratoga Juice Bar. It is a small accomplishment, but something to be happy for. I am just glad I get to put it on my resume now! I really love working there. I enjoy the nutritional aspect, and the people I work with are very amiable. It truly is a blessing to be able to work for this establishment. Check them out at: http://saratogajuicebar.com/ if you want to take a peek!
  • I got a job at my Vent Fitness!!! (Clifton Park). It is only part time, but this is really what I want to start doing more and I figured what better way to start off my quest in mental and fitness health than working at the gym I really love.
  • I have a lot of bills, but I am finally able to pay them all myself. I am also able to spend a little money on myself as well on the side now, which I don’t even know how to explain how good that feels (girls know what I mean, shopping therapy really worksss).

The Bad

  • My relationship of 5 years is possibly at an end. I cannot and will not point fingers at him or myself saying it is either of our faults. There were many issues, we tried out best, and in the end I don’t know if we can get past them. Either way, it is life shattering. I only remember feeling like this once before, and I hate it. I have been having to take more of my anxiety pills because I just keep thinking about it over and over and it is completely stressing me out. That heavy feeling in my chest won’t go away. I don’t know if I should respect his request for space or if he really wants me to reach out and fight for him. Either way, I always feel so confused also because I feel like my illness always gets in the way in my relationships. I feel that most likely it has affected 50% or more, and I hate it. Looking back now I can see the patterns, and I had some really wonderful kind people, but I would get into this strange period where I was just done. I was cold, unfeeling, emotionless, for almost no reason. That is not what happened here, but there was another factor. Basically I am sad, tired, lonely, and utterly unhappy. (If you know me and you are reading this, please don’t feel the need to do anything, I am not writing this as a call for help from you or for any pity. It is just for those out there who are struggling too.)
  • My bills are really high. I need to figure out if there is any federal exemptions for people with mental illnesses. I have to start paying back some of my loans next month because I failed last semester (had another episode). So I really need to do some research, and if any of you know anything about things like this please share!
  • I am having a lot of trouble sleeping. I don’t want to take my anxiety medicine to sleep, but  have consistently been unable to sleep through the night. This just adds to my fatigue, and when I am not working usually you can find me in my bed. I am currently struggling to get up and finish cleaning like I want to.
  • Having trouble eating, not hungry. I actually could consider this good, because maybe I’ll finally lose some weight, but no. Its either I am not hungry, or I am binge eating on bad things. I need to get this under control, but I am pretty sure I am battling a slight case of depression right now, so oh wells. Nothing new lol :-p

 

Don’t worry I am still fighting, and I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I believe God has a plan for me, that I am on this earth for a purpose, and I will get there one day.

Mania, Love, and a Little More About Me.

http://www.ibpf.org/mood-love-overlap-romantic-love-and-mania

Very very interesting. Please take the time to watch this if you can! I have felt the overlap and consequences of both and loved to hear someone talk about/present it in such a way.

Excellent information.

This may explain why it is very difficult for me to maintain/stay in relationships. Before my current relationship of 5 years I always fell in and out of love quickly. I honestly feel bad for some of my boyfriends because I am sure they never really understood why. It would make sense that at the time I first met them I was in some sort of a manic phase and then as everything died down it just “wasn’t the same,” and I didn’t feel in love anymore. I always remember thinking that same thing many times, and feeling blank and empty in the end. It is not that I wouldn’t care about them anymore, I just felt that I was incapable of loving them in the same way as when I first met them. Which to me felt like I just plain wasn’t in love anymore. I has to be easy to believe you are in love in a manic state, and maybe you are, but it is a different kind of love. Possibly warped in some ways because you are not your normal healthy self. So when the mania disappears you feel a loss, and question the relationship you have developed.

I always jump into relationships and am an all or nothing kind of girl. Before I was aware of my disorder I just thought this was how things were meant to be. However, now I question whether it is simply part of my mania and if there are particular triggers that make me more susceptible to these sort of things. I met a boyfriend on the highway for goodness sake! Not that it wasn’t fun and I don’t regret it (because he ended up being a very good person). Just, why would I put myself in such a potentially dangerous situation. It is because at times when I am manic and loving life I am more likely to act wild, and be risk taking/excitement seeking. Not that we all don’t love these times when you feel amazing, on top of the world, confident, unstoppable etc… But…BUT…it usually almost always comes with consequences in the end.

Nothing is usually ever that good without being somewhat bad.

I am not saying at all whatsoever that because you meet someone in a manic episode you don’t love them. I personally feel I can love more fiercely than many when I am in a relationship. It cycles though, or has cycled, because I was not properly managing my symptoms. I believe that is why some of my relationships did not last. I can’t blame the ending on all of them, that would be just silly, but I can see the pattern.

What is so very difficult though, is the fact that I am a different person during these phases in my life. When I am normal, manic, or depressed I display different traits and that can be very frustrating for whomever I am in a relationship with. I have been told before after being with someone for a while that I am not the person they fell in love with. The wild, carefree, crazy, fun person.

It takes a very special person to fully understand that who I was then was a part of me, but not the normal healthy me.

It takes an even more special person to be able to deal with and help me manage my disease.

I pray for all of you who suffer with mental disorders that you find this person who can love you for your many faces. Who can help you through the tough times, and be the compassionate, understanding, loving, and gentle person that you need.