Gave up on the struggle here because honestly, besides a few friends, I had nothing left here to keep struggling for. I was working three jobs, working out when I could, and trying to maintain relationships with friends (who turned out to not really be my friends anyways). So I officially said f* it I am going home.
This past weekend my daddy and my niece (she was a big help lol) came to help me move most of my things. I have to sell or give away the rest. I am so blessed to have such a supportive and caring family. He would have came that night if I had really need him that badly. How many people can say that their family loves them that much? That they would drop everything immediately to be there for you.
My sister also was a huge factor in my decision to come home. I had no idea how much my troubles were affecting my family as well. She told me she was tired of seeing me struggle and being so unhappy. Until then I hadn’t ever heard her really talk to me like that. It reminded me that I was loved unconditionally, and sometimes family is the best place to find it.
Dealing with the depression of relationships lost, and failing to maintain a sufficient lifestyle here is hard. However, I am going to make the most of it. I am going to go back home, get some skills, find a good job and move on. Who knows what lies ahead of me!
Thank you to all of you for your support and I hope if anything I can inspire and reach at least one of you.
Honestly I have had to take my clonazepam the past couple of nights to sleep well. I am so hesitant to take them now because some unkind man I know (no names) basically tried to tell me I was going down the road of a pill popping alcoholic. <– I most certainly am not but oh well it still hurts/bothers me. But I gave in after being unable to sleep really for over a week. I was so tired I actually got sick and ended up sleeping for 14 hours the day before yesterday, and 8+ hours yesterday. I feel much better, but I have a lingering cold.
I shouldn’t be ashamed to take my medicine. No one should. It is the cruelty of other people who do not bother to really understand the affects of mental illness. I swear, whenever I tell someone I am slightly bipolar and have anxiety and depression issues they view/treat me different. It almost always gets used against me in a relationship. Which isn’t fair at all. I wouldn’t hold it against a diabetic, or a cancer patient that they needed to do certain things to survive and live day to day Why do people judge me. STUPID STIGMA!!!! ❤ lol Ok enough of my rant.
It is leg day tonight. Will post my workout later.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself for who you are.
p.s. The picture is because I got my first blender bottle today! So I can mix my shakes by hand since I will probably not be going to a gym that offers to blend my shakes for me (I have been spoiled!!!). It is a milestone!
Apologize for any mistakes, I do not feel up to rereading all of this and correcting anything!
Beware: Unedited and probably full of errors- if you are a proponent of proper English, and errors send you into crazed madness do not read!
You probably know what I mean when I say I feel like my entire world is crashing at my feet. I haven’t been posting much, and I do apologize, I have just been extremely busy. Because of the debt I am in, and my future goals, I have been working 50+ hours a week. I have not had much time for the gym which I am really upset about (I probably have lost a lot of muscle mass, and set myself back significantly). Let me go through what is happening right now in my life.
I have been promoted to manager at the Saratoga Juice Bar. It is a small accomplishment, but something to be happy for. I am just glad I get to put it on my resume now! I really love working there. I enjoy the nutritional aspect, and the people I work with are very amiable. It truly is a blessing to be able to work for this establishment. Check them out at: http://saratogajuicebar.com/ if you want to take a peek!
I got a job at my Vent Fitness!!! (Clifton Park). It is only part time, but this is really what I want to start doing more and I figured what better way to start off my quest in mental and fitness health than working at the gym I really love.
I have a lot of bills, but I am finally able to pay them all myself. I am also able to spend a little money on myself as well on the side now, which I don’t even know how to explain how good that feels (girls know what I mean, shopping therapy really worksss).
My relationship of 5 years is possibly at an end. I cannot and will not point fingers at him or myself saying it is either of our faults. There were many issues, we tried out best, and in the end I don’t know if we can get past them. Either way, it is life shattering. I only remember feeling like this once before, and I hate it. I have been having to take more of my anxiety pills because I just keep thinking about it over and over and it is completely stressing me out. That heavy feeling in my chest won’t go away. I don’t know if I should respect his request for space or if he really wants me to reach out and fight for him. Either way, I always feel so confused also because I feel like my illness always gets in the way in my relationships. I feel that most likely it has affected 50% or more, and I hate it. Looking back now I can see the patterns, and I had some really wonderful kind people, but I would get into this strange period where I was just done. I was cold, unfeeling, emotionless, for almost no reason. That is not what happened here, but there was another factor. Basically I am sad, tired, lonely, and utterly unhappy. (If you know me and you are reading this, please don’t feel the need to do anything, I am not writing this as a call for help from you or for any pity. It is just for those out there who are struggling too.)
My bills are really high. I need to figure out if there is any federal exemptions for people with mental illnesses. I have to start paying back some of my loans next month because I failed last semester (had another episode). So I really need to do some research, and if any of you know anything about things like this please share!
I am having a lot of trouble sleeping. I don’t want to take my anxiety medicine to sleep, but have consistently been unable to sleep through the night. This just adds to my fatigue, and when I am not working usually you can find me in my bed. I am currently struggling to get up and finish cleaning like I want to.
Having trouble eating, not hungry. I actually could consider this good, because maybe I’ll finally lose some weight, but no. Its either I am not hungry, or I am binge eating on bad things. I need to get this under control, but I am pretty sure I am battling a slight case of depression right now, so oh wells. Nothing new lol :-p
Don’t worry I am still fighting, and I see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I believe God has a plan for me, that I am on this earth for a purpose, and I will get there one day.
RIP Robin Williams ❤ So sad to hear about another person succumbing to mental illness. May he finally find the peace and relief he could not find in life. It was so strange, I was literally just watching Jumanji and Hook this past week. For some reason this his home more than other celebrity deaths have.
Just shows us that even many celebrities struggle with different forms of mental illnesses as well. Even the rich and famous cannot escape the inner workings of genetics and environment.
My heart goes out to his family.
I am truly saddened by his loss. Always surprises me when I grieve for the loss of someone I have never met or spoken to. But he touched all of us in some way. Made us laugh, cry, and entertained us. Seemed to be such a good genuine soul.