These are the words I would use to describe my doubt of having a mental illness at times.
Anyone else out there wonder sometimes too?
Do you forget or bury the memories of the bad times and start to think maybe I am making it all up?
I wonder if I even have a right to be blogging acting like there is something neurologically/mentally wrong with me. I was doubting myself just yesterday with a close friend. I have been feeling pretty well lately and I was like what if I am all wrong? What if I don’t need any of this medication and I am just being silly. Maybe I just don’t have the drive, will, or control to live life in a healthy way. Or perhaps my life isn’t really all that bad, and what happened to me in the past isn’t as terrible as I remember.
This is why I think every person with any sort of mental health problem should keep a diary. To remind you that you are ill, and you are not making it all up. To bring back the pain, tears, and mistakes that were made. I thankfully did this and saved a few word documents to my computer from the fall semester of 2013 when I was diagnosed. It brought everything back, and reminded me why I take my medication and why I emphasize exercise/physical fitness to fight for physical and mental wellness.
This may be why people stop taking their meds. They forget what it was really like, and think hey I will be just fine. Maybe there was never anything really wrong with me. Or perhaps it was just a freak situation that triggered such a reaction.
Most mental illnesses are a life long journey. I would define it as a struggle, but not all aspects are detrimental (creative, different aspect on life, compassion etc…). I must constantly be self-aware and do my best to control my symptoms.
I am sharing my diary below, hope it reaches someone and helps. I want to relate, comfort, reach out, and help anyone if I can. Even if I can help one person, then I have done enough.
You are not alone.
You are never alone.
in your own special way.
What I am sharing is very personal and only one other person has every read this, my doctor.
I am baring my soul to you, I just hope you can understand.
This is one of my diary entries from my most recent episode which caused me to drop out of school once again. Excuse the spelling, grammar, and general lack of proper English here… I was just rambling on, writing whatever came to mind.
- I woke up at 3am today and was pretty awake, I have been waking up around 3 or 4 am regularly lately but I needed to get up early any ways to try and study for my Physics quiz today which I really need to do good on
- I have been experiencing just general anxiety on an increasing basis daily now, I don’t know which medication to take right now because my heart beat is not slowing down, and the Xanax and Adderall both do not seem to be helping too much
- The Xanax only helps but in higher doses than I am supposed to be taking at a time… (3 or 4 of them seems to do it but there is still some underlying angst)
- Friday was horrible when I went on that trip and I was so scared that I would either pass out or have a panic attack that I took about 7-8 in less than a 2 hour period, but that was what finally calmed me down and made the trip bearable
- I was sweaty, hot, panicky, I tried breathing, I tried sitting and calming down… nothing seemed to work and I was so afraid to freak out and have them take me to the hospital or something… it’s just so embarrassing all of this… I knew I shouldn’t have gone on the trip but Shawn talked me into it… saying I waste money too much
- Speaking of wasting money, I do not remember, but I do know I tend to be impulsive sometimes and do not always think my purchases through and or just buy things because I am in a buying mood and it makes me happy…. I also forget to return things I don’t use/need… which basically totals up to a lot of wasted money which he sees as a huge problem (it is a huge problem but it is how I have always been… I just either forget or at the time it just feels right…) I don’t know. I don’t mean to be like this, I don’t mean to make bad financial decisions… This is a big issue in our relationship. I cannot live life like this.
- It’s a pattern usually I am down or happy and I go shopping and buy stuff I do not need and cannot afford… I went on a bad shopping/living spree 3-4 years ago right before I decided to move here where I just lived off my credit cards for a summer and in general lived very dangerously… I had a lot of fun but didn’t care what it would cost me later or what the moral consequences were for what I was doing… I just kind of went wild and I don’t even know how to explain it.
- Saturday was bad again, I don’t know why but my moods are so volatile, especially around my boyfriend. I worked out that morning and then had to get my nails done because they were falling apart and I agreed to do hang out with friends even though I was not feeling up to it but I thought I could muster the energy and happiness to be somewhat ok… As usual I was wrong. To make it worse he texted me telling me they were coming over to my apartment which didn’t send so all of a sudden I am leaving my nail appointment and I find out surprise we are all at your apartment. This immediately took me from an ok mood to being completely furious. I hate it when Shawn comes over and doesn’t tell me (he hates it when stuff isn’t neat or clean) and I especially don’t like my apartment to be unclean if I have people over… So the fact that I had people waiting for me when I was getting home instead of a moment of peace and quiet was bad enough but the fact that I didn’t have any time to prepare really set me off… So when I got home I immediately went into my room to change and to try to calm myself down. Because I knew I was being irrationally angry and I needed to fix it… Needless to say I couldn’t fix my mood, we went to the farm, did a couple of corn mazes and they got some food then we left. I knew the entire time I was being bad, I knew I should participate and try to be happy, but I literally couldn’t. It’s like I was trapped in my head and I wanted to be one way but I just was the other. I don’t know how to explain it but it happens all the time. Like a lot of times I know I am treating him badly or I should be doing something else but I just can’t help it. Basically I ruined our trip and I further hurt our relationship. That is to say if there is even any of it left to really even salvage. I hate it when I do things like that, I hate that I can’t seem to control my moods- and even though I fight, most times I lose the battle against my raging emotions that are too extreme for the situation.
- Right now I am just really upset because even atm I am tired, I just want to go back to sleep… I don’t want to go to class or necessarily feel like going at all but I know I have to… I know I have to do some of these things because if I give up now it’s all over. I am 27, I want to get a job that I am able to support myself with, I want to be stable, I want to get my degree, I don’t want to waste any more of my life. I can’t afford at this point to take another dive and start over. I have done this before a few times but I am now in a situation in life where this option in unacceptable and I cannot afford to back out. I can’t just simply quit school and live with my parents, I have a lease, I live in a different state, I have bills etc… I even got a scholarship from my Indian tribe this semester… I cannot give up. Which is why I am fighting so hard and trying to do whatever I can do to figure this out.
- It seems as I am getting older all of this is getting worse. My anxiety, my depression, my inability to do tasks… I keep telling people but I don’t think they believe me when I say that I literally can’t do my work, that I want to but I am distracted or tired or just literally I don’t know… I just can’t do it? Does that make any sense? Maybe it doesn’t but that is how I feel and why I have not done what I have needed to this semester. I have extensions on my assignments right now but I am even having trouble doing those right now.
- I have to make up 2 labs today, and I have a quiz, I just want to go back to sleep. I am so tired and just sad… I wish people could understand just how hard it is to do all of this. I want to do it with all my heart but my mind and my body are fighting me every bit of the way. I just want to cry right now. It is so frustrating. I am so tired. I am so behind. I just want to get this figured out because I want to be doing these things but it is so hard and I am not making much headway. I really hope these doctors I am seeing can help me figure this out. I know I can’t expect immediate results but I need something different now.I guess I should continue to try and do my work. It just seems like an impossible task right now but I know I cannot give up. I am going to try and take some of my Adderall and see if it can help me stay on task…
- My chest is a little uncomfortable right now. I took my metoprolol bid about an hour ago thought… and they found my thyroid level to be slightly hyperactive… hopefully this is not really anything and when they recheck it in 4 weeks it will be gone.
- I just desperately want to feel better, I want to be the happy kind person I know I am… It’s like the people I love I am the worst to right now. Specifically Shawn. Sometimes I don’t even know who I am anymore. This is not me, this is not how I should be. I used to be so happy and full of life. Not constantly struggling back and forth with being (depressed?) and lying in bed not wanting to do anything to feeling good… I wish I could remember things, I wish I could remember if I have truly always been like this or if I am a different person now really. I feel like this is not who I am. I am fighting breaking down every day, trying to push through. I don’t want anything to be wrong with me. I want to be a happy normal person who doesn’t have these episodes where when something bad happens I just want to lay in bed and sleep. I just can’t take this anymore. It’s so hard. People listen to me, but they don’t really understand. Shawn himself really doesn’t understand. He thinks I should be able to just make myself get up and do all these things and I should be able to be different. But I just can’t. I wish people could really understand this- I don’t know if you can though without experiencing it.
- I have always been forgetful. I have different things I do to try and combat it such as keeping reminders/lists in my iPad and my calendar. But the weird thing is I can usually remember important dates like I know I have appointments this Friday and I most likely would not forget things like that… but if I turn on the sink or the bathtub I am capable of somehow instantly forgetting it is on and walking away… I don’t even know how this happens but it is evident in the fact that I have overflowed the bathtub (once for over 20/30 mins) and the sink (2-3 times) in the past year. There is other things like leaving the stove on, or forgetting to blow out a candle before leaving… it’s just every day functional things that I can seem to forget in a moment.
- It scares me because I am so afraid that one day I will do something truly destructive, and it only adds to my stress sometimes
- I remember very little of my life and experiences on my own. Wish some prodding and reminders sometimes I can remember things but my recall is generally not that great for long term memory. I can memorize and study any subject and learn it very well in a short period of time but recalling that information later is very difficult. Memories of my childhood are very hard to come by, and most of them I think I remember through pictures. I like pictures because they help me remember and bring back moments.
- I was always getting in trouble as a kid for forgetting to do this and that, chores, homework… I still do this to some degree but it is not as bad and I don’t get in trouble if I don’t remember to do chores at a particular time anymore (thank God)… but this is the reason why I don’t take online classes and I hate when teachers have online homework assigned- because no matter how hard I try to be organized I will eventually forget to do an assignment on time.
- It seems like when I am stressed it just gets worse my forgetfulness etc… which I am sure is usual for most people
- Sometimes I don’t remember things right. Like I think about doing them, but in doing so I somehow switch from thinking that to believing I did it…. Or I think of something and it goes away immediately… Or somehow the memory I make of something isn’t right. Shawn has told me many times that what I think happened really didn’t happen that way at all. Sometimes I think I dream things and think they are real.
- The only really good thing about not being able to remember things is I move on quickly. Usually it only takes me a day or two to get over something and move on. I don’t hold grudges well, I don’t remember faults- I just forgive and move on. That is the only thing I am glad for, it is easy to forget the pain and bad times.
- I am going to go lie down for a few, even though I know I have lots to do… I am just so tired and just upset…
- I just know all of this is not out of reach… I worked 2 jobs and took 16ish credits last semester and made it out with A’s and B’s… so frustrating… I am intelligent and I know how to study/time manage… I just can’t do it right now…
- Wow when did it get this late? Needless to say I was not feeling so good this morning and ended up not going to school and missing more but what is new
- Charlie is testing my antibodies to see if maybe my thyroid issue will resolve itself on its own so I got stuck again and weirdly all of a sudden I can take the whole blood draw thing without freaking out like I did the first couple of times I had it done (I used to feel faint and get very upset/anxious)
- Had an echocardiogram and my heart is fine which I think helped a lot with my anxiety but I wish it didn’t because I shouldn’t have been anxious about that in the first place
- I am stopping taking the Adderall right now because of my symptoms and I am not sure if it is helping at all atm
- Heart beat is better J I can still feel it in my chest and my chest is uncomfortable, but he tells me it is better and the metoprolol is working
- Just slept for four hours and would have slept more had not Dino woken me up to go potty
- It’s weird I still feel bad, but it feels like this switch was thrown inside of me when I was at the doctor’s office and all of a sudden I felt almost normal… I still feel a tiny pull of sadness and down… but I feel more normal than I have felt in weeks…maybe even months now.
- I am going to relax some more and try to do some more work, this is all very draining but I am also going to try and get a good night’s sleep
- Kind of hard to do when your roommate is nocturnal and gets home at like 12/1am and wakes you up ever time, or decides to do her laundry then smack dab in the middle of the night… I decided definitely cannot live with someone again… When this lease is up I am going to get a place of my own
- Also naturally never being able to sleep in past 6 or 7 unless it is pitch black doesn’t help if I end up staying up late
- The interesting thing is if you would ask me about my life and who I am I could give you a general description and answer your questions but I forget so many things that I am probably leaving something out and I am most likely not accurately describing them to you.
- I think it is really important to note a specific time in my life where I don’t know and or understand what really happened but I particularly went overboard with my behavior. It was the summer before I moved here and decided that I wanted to date Shawn. just did stupid things that should have never happened. I couldn’t even tell you why I did those things eithers, if I was myself I would never have ever ever ever done anything like that. I think that is the single worst and longest time period when I acted with reckless abandonment, and I cannot even begin to explain why.
- I took road trips to see people I barely knew without even considering the dangers or the cost
- I disrespected myself and my body on several occasions
- I spent so much money in that one summer period it was awful
- My boyfriend even tells me that I’m different, that he usually doesn’t see the person I was when we first met. I think it is because I am different. That wasn’t really me. It was just a part of me, and even though he fell in love with that care free happy go lucky girl, I am not totally convinced that is how I want to be. I don’t think it would be ok to be like that long term. It’s too reckless, too wild.
- Usually I can’t drink. But every now and then I will have a really weirdly “good” day and when I go out I just don’t stop. This can either be very good and or very bad. I also have a lot less inhibition (which I know is normal… but I don’t know if my inhibition is normal) when I drink. I mean I am not the worst drunk ever but I can be. I am volatile especially around people like Shawn who I have underlying issues with. A night can go from good to bad in an instant with a look or the wrong word said in the wrong way.
- On night a while ago maybe a couple of years or more in the beginning of our relationship I was upset… I went out with my friend and we drank and it was one of those nights where I could drink and drink and drink… she ended up bringing me to my him and I just went insane. I basically stalked into a bar, was extremely angry, and ended up kicking and putting a break in his windshield which acting completely hysterical… it was so embarrassing… I laid in bed for a few days after that episode completely upset and horrified and just felt awful
- I tend to act worse around my significant other because he just tends to set me off…
- My boyfriend tells me he knows when I have been drinking because I act different… even after less than one full drink… I am not sure what this always means but he says I am a different person- either happy or more irritable and I tend to be more self-confident
- I have had trouble finishing school. Like I am having right now. Everything in me is telling me to just stop. But I can’t stop again. I don’t even fully understand why I stopped the couple of other times before when I did. It’s like I just couldn’t do it anymore and I just let it go. But I do not accurately remember how I was feeling or what was going on at the time when I dropped out and or took breaks. I just know for someone who has learned to be very good at school and who loves learning it is just so frustrating to me that I have not managed to commit long enough to get my degree. I am trying so hard right now to make sure I don’t do this again. But it is very difficult atm.
- I have days where I am more productive and get everything done. These usually are my “cleaning” days where I obsessively clean the apartment/house and do everything I need to do. I like these days they usually feel good and I feel accomplished.
- I do not handle conflict well. It is very hard for me to communicate verbally with people. Things do not come out right ever when I say them. That is why I am writing all of this down. It is so much clearer and all-encompassing than if I was to try and describe these things verbally. Usually what happens is I avoid conflict as much as possible and then when it all builds up I explode like some crazy psycho person.
- Just went off on my roommate the other day due to her filthiness and just general lack of care for my things etc… It was not pretty and I ended up feeling bad and having to apologize and try to talk to her again in a calmer manner. I still do not think I got my point across very clearly.
- It is extremely hard for me to talk and or discuss anything without an attitude when I am upset. Not something I like. But once I am in a mood it is so hard for me to get out of it without going to sleep. I swear taking a nap or sleeping completely restarts me most of the time. It is just frustrating that it takes me going to sleep to change back to normal.
- My newfound general anxiety that is worsening and plane anxiety is confounding. I used to be able to fly, I have been to Hawaii at least 4 times and Texas etc where my family lives. However it has not been until recently that my fear of heights and flying has become debilitating. I have not been reduced to a panic attack or anything but it is really horrible. I just basically am scared to death and cry the whole time.
- Xanax and valium have no touched me during these times no matter what dosage I have taken
- Last time I flew I ended up stranded in the Las Vegas Airport alone by myself. I had taken the valium, and taken more than I was told because it was not working. Then of course since the stop on the way to California was Las Vegas I ended up in the middle of a man voyage and they ended up buying me drinks. I am not sure what made me do this but I had at least 8-10 cranberry and vodka’s, was so drunk they would not let me on my next flight, and spend the night puking and being completely miserable in the airport. I blacked out, I don’t remember getting off the plane or anything until I was standing before the lady at the desk who was telling me I could not get on the flight. I am lucky the guys I was with were nice enough to get me together and drop me off at my gate instead of take advantage of me. But wait the story gets even better…. I had lost my debit card about a week before the trip and cancelled all my credit cards because when I have them I use them and I have already racked up enough debt. (I am currently working on getting myself out of the debt I have caused…)… So I had no way of getting money (no atm card nothing)… I had literally no money because I had tipped the stewardess all the cash I had during my drinking on the plane. I had forgotten my cell phone charger so I had no cell phone. All I had was my ipad and skype which barely worked with the airports wifi… It was awful. I scared everyone around me including myself. I could have significantly harmed myself but for some reason I didn’t think twice when I started drinking on the plane and it was one of those times when I just kept on and felt like I could drink and do anything. But basically I was at an airport drugged/drunk (at one point in time they tried calling the paramedics on me but I insisted I was ok…), no money, no real way of communicating, freaked and scared… it was awful… Luckily one of the people who worked for the airlines had given me a ticket for the 9am flight the next morning and I got myself on it and made it to the family vacation.
I am tired again I think I am going to read some more and sleep.
Sometimes I wonder if I just don’t have enough will to live fully, or if I am just lazy? I just don’t understand. Not doing things makes it worse, but doing them seems an impossible or difficult task. There is something inherently wrong there, and as I said before I don’t understand why I feel this way or what is happening. I told Charlie (my primary care doctor), I feel crazy. Even though I know I am not, or I hope I am not. I feel not right and people have called me that before and it always hurts deep down inside. They don’t realize it when they say it, but it affects me: sometimes I feel it, and sometimes I believe it.
- I am really really tired…. I am going to try and get up and fix my room, get dressed etc and go to this appointment. I slept decently well… besides my roomate’s dog waking me up when they got home, I slept in till 7am
- I still feel tired, weak, and just heavy I guess (not sure how else to describe it)