Let’s Go!

So I am finally almost home.

Gave up on the struggle here because honestly, besides a few friends, I had nothing left here to keep struggling for. I was working three jobs, working out when I could, and trying to maintain relationships with friends (who turned out to not really be my friends anyways). So I officially said f* it I am going home.

This past weekend my daddy and my niece (she was a big help lol) came to help me move most of my things. I have to sell or give away the rest. I am so blessed to have such a supportive and caring family. He would have came that night if I had really need him that badly. How many people can say that their family loves them that much? That they would drop everything immediately to be there for you.

My sister also was a huge factor in my decision to come home. I had no idea how much my troubles were affecting my family as well. She told me she was tired of seeing me struggle and being so unhappy. Until then I hadn’t ever heard her really talk to me like that. It reminded me that I was loved unconditionally, and sometimes family is the best place to find it.

Dealing with the depression of relationships lost, and failing to maintain a sufficient lifestyle here is hard. However, I am going to make the most of it. I am going to go back home, get some skills, find a good job and move on. Who knows what lies ahead of me!

Thank you to all of you for your support and I hope if anything I can inspire and reach at least one of you.

Honestly I have had to take my clonazepam the past couple of nights to sleep well. I am so hesitant to take them now because some unkind man I know (no names) basically tried to tell me I was going down the road of a pill popping alcoholic. <– I most certainly am not but oh well it still hurts/bothers me. But I gave in after being unable to sleep really for over a week. I was so tired I actually got sick and ended up sleeping for 14 hours the day before yesterday, and 8+ hours yesterday. I feel much better, but I have a lingering cold.

I shouldn’t be ashamed to take my medicine. No one should. It is the cruelty of other people who do not bother to really understand the affects of mental illness. I swear, whenever I tell someone I am slightly bipolar and have anxiety and depression issues they view/treat me different. It almost always gets used against me in a relationship. Which isn’t fair at all. I wouldn’t hold it against a diabetic, or a cancer patient that they  needed to do certain things to survive and live day to day Why do people judge me. STUPID STIGMA!!!! ❤ lol Ok enough of my rant.

It is leg day tonight. Will post my workout later.

Stay strong

Don’t be afraid to love yourself for who you are.

p.s. The picture is because I got my first blender bottle today! So I can mix my shakes by hand since I will probably not be going to a gym that offers to blend my shakes for me (I have been spoiled!!!). It is a milestone!

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Oblivion

i can’t help the tumultuous feelings raging in my head. What have I done with my life other than made a huge mess of it? I trust people without them having earned that trust, and therefore I am made vulnerable and am easily hurt.

Having one of those days where nothing is going right and it had made it all even worse.

It is too cold outside for me to try to fix my headlight and wipers myself. I don’t want to sit outside in negative degree weather and try to figure out something I’ve never done before. Bad idea on my part. I just wanted to be independent and try. I need to get my car inspected though and it won’t pass without those things fixed. I left to go get started on taking care of these things and just kept forgetting one thing after another. Finally at the third trip back to the apartment I just broke down, and here I am, in bed.

I cried today, because i am confused. I don’t understand things. If people won’t talk to me, how are we ever going to resolve anything. Am I that bad of a person that one little thing goes wrong people just turn away from me? What kind of cold human beings am I associating myself with. I thought you were my friend, I thought you cared. I thought we understood one another, and we’re going to figure out how to make it work. I guess not. I guess I was horribly wrong. You seem to be content to leave me in the dark.

I am sensitive to tone and pitch, as I am sure a lot of you are. The way people speak to me is critical to how I will feel. If you raise your voice, snap at me, or just generally say anything impolite it resonates in my would. I am way too empathetic as well.

I need attention, or at least just a simple kiss, hug, hold my hand, cuddle with me. Let me know you are aware that I exist and I am something special to you. I need love. I need you to want to care for me in these ways. You would never know by the way I act, but I am terribly in need of reassurance. I have been beaten down psychologically in my past, and I have such a hard time doing it on my own.

I know when I am depressed, and I can definitely say that this recent bout has thrown me into a mini darkness. But I will come out, I will fight, and the baby steps I take to fix and organize my life will be my greatest reward in the end.

but right now, I just want to pass out into oblivion.

No dreams

nothing